“To love someone is firstly to confess: I'm prepared to be devastated by you.”
- Billy-Ray Belcourt
She had a wide,
captivating smile, small hair, moderate height and a soothing, soft voice. At
least, it was softer than that of most of the girls he knew. She was a flag
bearer in a rival house, at the annual march past, while he was a mere marcher.
It wasn’t that he was not good, but he just wasn’t the one to lead a
march past. That’s at least how he comforted himself about the situation.
Although he had known who she was since the beginning of that school year, she
had no idea who this guy was and why he was staring at her. He had always been
very shy to approach, and being in a totally different section did not help
either.
That’s the
thing with school crushes, it’s more often one-sided than not. He felt as if he
had the right to like a girl without her knowledge, but was considerate enough
about the opinions girls possessed about guys. Rather, it can actually be said
he was quite impression conscious throughout his school life.
Her house’s
commander was absent that day. This meant, the flag bearer had to give the commands.
Her voice was so soft that it seemed funny to him that she was even trying to
shout. But voice is one of the most powerful weapons of love. That moment, when
she gave the command, something struck a chord somewhere. He felt a sensation
pass through his arteries, some energy, some urge which he had felt only once
before, because of his friend and crush who was too far away from him now.
That strange
feeling wasn’t unknown. He knew what it meant. Although life had been pretty
torturous for the past few months, this was the moment of realization. He was
in love, again. But what if it ended in the same way as before? What if he
would again be left alone crying for something that he could never get?
Trying hard to
convince himself it was nothing but infatuation, he tried not to think of her
anymore during that day. He was otherwise pretty good at controlling his thoughts,
but this time he knew he was failing. He also knew why. That smile and that voice
kept popping up in his mind till the dispersal. At the dispersal, he was
looking out of his bus window when he spotted her walking towards her house lane.
He somehow couldn’t help smiling foolishly. All his tension, stress and disappointment
vanished just by looking at her comforting smile. That day, on reaching his bus
stop, he felt very unusually light, as if something was missing. He realized
what he had left. His heart remained somewhere behind, but the loss was just too
pleasing this time.
